You Can't Change Them (And That Has Nothing To Do With You)
Let me tell you a little story of younger me, just barely in her 20s and obsessed with a man who displayed all the signs of a textbook fuccboi.
Then again, when I was 22, “fuccboi” was not a word in the mainstream so I didn’t know to call him that then, but that’s exactly what he was. He exhibited all the signs: vague answers to my direct questions, barely texting back or waiting hours to do so, and lying about where he was and what he was doing. Not only that, but he would constantly flake on plans, and never attempted to hang out during the day. Writing out all this behavior from him makes me sound sort of stupid for thinking there would be a real romantic chance between us, right? However, for many of us who are caught with feelings for someone, that kind of clarity doesn’t come until after the fact.
We have to wait for months after our hearts are ripped from our chests to finally see the light.
At the time, I was all in and let my intense feelings for him cloud the part of my brain that thinks rationally. When we were together, it felt great. I felt like he had feelings for me too because he was so good at acting like a boyfriend for a few days out of the month. I made up excuses, convincing myself that if I stuck it out longer or modified some of my behavior, he would eventually change his. I was sure that my persistence would eventually lead to his transformation from fuccboi to Mr. Right.
Of course, I was wrong. He never changed, and was not going to for a while. It’s a fantasy a lot of us have, aided by romantic comedies and dating self-help books. A dream is placed in our minds that we have the power to change a man. He was a total playboy, afraid to love, until he met me.
It's Time To Ditch The Fuccboi
Well, I’m here to burst that fantasy bubble. Life is not a rom-com. The real solution is not to hold onto the hope that you’ll “fix” him. Instead, you have to give up and move on.
The desire to make romantic love work with someone who is unwilling to cooperate has a lot to do with self-esteem as well. My self-esteem was at my lowest with this particular man, who I felt I had to win over as a means of proving to myself that I was worthy of love. I took his disinterest in me as a sign that I was not loveable, when in reality it was him who was unloveable.
It's Not About You
It’s hard to face the facts, but take comfort in knowing that when you hear these stories of a fuccboi from your past finally getting his act together and “settling” down with someone, it almost always has nothing to do with that particular woman. The real factors involved are timing, and emotional maturity. They finally made themselves ready for romantic love, and put the effort towards making it work with that person.
I had to learn it that hard way, but now that I know it, and am better at recognizing the signs, my love life has vastly improved. Don’t settle for someone who is not interested in being with you, and learn to cut the cord fast. If it turns out they really were into you, they’ll make it known. If not, move on to someone who won’t treat you like a second thought. Today, even during those months I’m going through an awful and sexless dry spell, I still consider it better than trying to make something work with someone who couldn't care less about me and my feelings.
Take comfort in your independence, and eventually the right person will appear.