Dear Men,

I’ve heard called elusive, tricky — even make-believe. People talk about the female orgasm as though it’s a unicorn lost in the wilderness. But really...it’s an orgasm. Like yours, like anyone's. Some people have it quickly, some people take a little time, sometimes it’s mind-blowing — sometimes it’s a little bit of a dud. But, for most sexual people, it’s completely reachable — there’s just one thing you need to do: find that clit.

First of all, some of you are great at it. You know where it is and you know your way around it. That's because you've taken the time to locate a basic part of the female form — and to realize that it’s an actual fountain of pleasure. As you should! Fun fact: around seventy-five percent of women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. That means it doesn’t matter how big your dick is, it doesn’t matter how much you hump or pump, it’s all about the clit.

It's all about the clit. 

But for some reason, among a lot of men, there’s a running joke that the clit, like the female orgasm, is difficult to locate. It’s something you stumble upon or hope and pray you'll reach — something mythical and magical. Well, men, I’ve got news for you: the clit isn’t hard to find. Not even a little bit.

It’s literally right there 

Guess what? The clit is right there. It’s just there, see? Above the place that you’re really busy fingering and poking. Blood rushes there when it's happy, like a little clit erection. In fact, there’s nothing hard about finding the clit. Not seeing anyone at the moment? Never had sex before? Look at any anatomy textbook. Or just Google it. Right now. See? That’s where it is.


Yes, they all are a little different — they’re shaped differently, they may be different sizes, the little hood covering them can vary — but every single body part looks different on any person. Women have different clit shapes and labia, men have different dicks, different balls, different everything. Some of you love your balls played with, some hate it. Some have serious foreskin, some have no foreskin at all. We deal with it. We deal with it all the damn time — and we don’t complain. Because for women, we’ve been taught that sex is about our partner’s pleasure, as much — if not more than — our own. So instead of acting like the clit is in the Bermuda Freaking Triangle, why don’t we all admit what’s going on — if you think that the clit is hard to find, you’re really just trying to cover up the fact that you’re too selfish to even pretend to look for it. That's on you. Don't make out that our body is riddled or flawed or complicated when the truth is that you haven't even tried. 

Even if it was hidden, it’s worth finding 

The clit isn't hidden — but if it was, why wouldn’t you take the time to figure it out? Not only do most women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, but it also contains 15,000 nerve endings — twice as much as the head of a penis. Think about how good it feels when someone touches your dick, double it, and then try to concentrate that feeling into a little nub. That’s what the clit is — it’s god damn magic.

So why wouldn’t you want to work out where it is? Don’t you want to bring your partner that level of pleasure? Or is it more important that you can imagine that your glorious, glorious cock is bringing women to climax all on its own? Are you worried about hurting your dick’s self-esteem? If I found out there was a place on my partner’s body that could give them that much pleasure, I’d stand on a stepladder covered in lube to reach it if I had to — and I wouldn't feel insecure about my vagina in the process. It's not all about me — or my vagina, after all. 


Talk. To. Your. Partner 

The most worrying part about dudes acting like the clit — or an orgasm — is hard to come by? It reveals just how infrequently you all are engaging in basic communication with your partner. You know...your partner? That actual human being you’re having sex with, having some form of relationship with? The one with thoughts, needs, feelings, interests, and probably some damn good insight into what makes her feel good?

If you can't find the clit, why wouldn't you ask the person to whom it belongs? The one naked and in front of you right now? If you can’t communicate about that basic point, it’s a worrying indictment of your sex life as a whole — and don't even get me started on what it says about your relationship. You shouldn’t have big, lingering questions about basic facets of your partner pleasure, let alone their anatomy. They’re there to talk to.

So start talking.


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