Girl crushes, repressed bisexuality and bi-erasure
My entire life I have found myself attracted to women, but hesitant to approach them. My husband has joked for years that I'm not bisexual because of my inexperience with the same sex. While his jokes seem harsh and are upsetting at times, I've never had a girlfriend, and I've only had a handful of modest sexual experiences with people of the same sex as myself. I have felt that those things have justified his jokes, but in reality, is a form of bi-erasure.
The truth is...I'm intimidated by women. I find myself torn between admiring a woman's beauty, intellect, and passion and being jealous over how well she does her makeup, how much prettier she is than I am, or other silly, stupid things. It's strange to be stuck between awe and envy.
This odd limbo I find myself in, my inability to flirt with women, and the constant jokes that I'm "not actually attracted to women" have held me back from exploring my sexuality. As I said before, I have only had a handful of sexual encounters, they were fleeting and mild, and I've never had a romantic relationship with another woman.
But I fantasize about women. Often.
I still reminisce of making out with a friend of mine during a threesome with her and my husband. How soft her lips were, how surprised I was when she bent down to flick her tongue between my labia as my husband thrust beneath me. While I only went as far as sucking on her soft breasts, I regret not going further.
While masturbating, I find my thoughts drifting to the only time I have ever fingered another woman. We were in the back seat of her husband's car, coming back from Tennessee. I had hyped up other women's vaginas to be slimy and unappealing. I was shocked to find it full feeling, slick, and soft. I was even more astonished to find how easy it was to make her moan, and more so to discover how easy it was for her to make me moan.
It's not even that I want to have more sexual experiences with women, per se. I miss the friendship I had with the friend I had a threesome with, and the intimacy I found in the backseat with my other friend. For some reason, it was different with them. Maybe it was the excitement of something new. Or maybe it was the release of letting go and letting myself feel attraction towards women without questioning it, without holding back, without feeling intimidated.
Bi-erasure is real, and has real effects
As I get older, I find myself wanting to try new things, or rather act on old, repressed parts of myself. But thanks to years of "jokes," repressing how I feel, and being intimidated by even the thought of flirting with women, I'm incredibly hesitant to act on my attractions. These are the effects of bi-erasure. Of people telling me that since I am married to a man, that since I also have a boyfriend, I can’t be attracted to women.
My inspiration for sharing these thoughts came about when I came across a thread in a private Facebook group a couple of months ago. Another member confessed to being attracted to women, but hesitant to act on her desires. She said that she enjoys going down on guys she is with, but didn't feel like she was really bisexual because she didn't want to go down on women, just be with them. Have the intimacy without the oral. She was under the impression that cunnilingus was the only form of sexual intimacy two women can share.
I, too, am attracted to women, but not in the same way I am attracted to men. Yes, it is a sexual attraction, yes I find myself yearning to get to know another woman on the same level I know my husband or boyfriend. I want to know her favorite color, her favorite food, and even more intimate details. My point is, just because you haven’t explored part of your attraction, doesn't diminish your sexuality. It doesn't mean you aren't bisexual.