Where my Gen X’ers at?

Well, I can answer that – we’re somewhere between the Baby Boomer generation, where they burned their bras and engaged in sexual behavior with little shame attached, and the Millennials who are the epitome of “Big Clit Energy”. We’re in between two generations that had pretty solid sexual revolutions, and Gen X’ers sort of, well...we didn’t. Now, in 2020, many of us are in some sort of relationship, we may even have children, and we are realizing that there is more to our sexuality (and life in general) than what we were told. So, I’ve made it my mission to be the cheerleader for the “sexual underdogs”, the caged up (not in a good way) sexual spitfires who have yet to realize their capacity for a fulfilling sex life - in other words, Gen X’ers, FOR YOU! 


Thank you, Millennials

It’s no secret that Millennials have become the go-to's for challenging the sexual status quo these days. They have reclaimed the word Slut, and have given the middle finger to the puritanical and patriarchal cloud so many of us have been under for decades. Millennials won’t ever know life without conversations around LGBTQ+, female orgasms, sex toys, gender and orientation fluidity, and the power of debunking myths about human sexuality (all two million+ of them – eye roll). They won’t be shocked when their friends are in consensual non-monogamous relationships. They encourage out of the box careers and entrepreneurship. People with vulvas are now aware that it’s actually called a vulva and not a vagina. The clit has become the topic of so many conversations, books, and amazing memes – many of which I have saved on my phone for regular use. Porn usage is increasing among female-identified people, and there is now a surge of porn specifically designed for women – kudos, Bellesa


Sexual Rebirth of Gen X

So, now it’s 2020, and sex culture is changing. People in their 40’s and 50’s are now feeling more empowered to explore their sexuality. As a speaker on sex, relationships, and mental health, I can’t tell you how alone many Gen X folks feel when it comes to their sexuality. 

I’ve had women call me crying that they feel so guilty for wanting to sexually experience other men outside of their marriage, because it, “…isn’t something women ever think about – it’s usually men who need the variety.” I’ve introduced grown men to the idea of sex toys – FOR THEM (hello, prostate!) and had to convince them that it doesn’t change their heterosexuality (that would be one magical sex toy if it did, amirite?!). I’ve had people tell me that they can only orgasm under certain circumstances and feel completely broken because of it. Luckily (thanks again, Millennial generation!), these myths are being challenged on the daily. 


However, with all of the messages I receive, the most common complaint I hear is about the lack of sexual excitement in long-term monogamous relationships. To make matters worse, they have a difficult time finding information out there that caters to the middle of the road couples. These couples are not your “vanilla” couples, but they aren’t quite ready to head to Hedonism and have an orgy. So, what about these “gray area couples”?

I’m a firm believer that most humans exist in the gray zone – on a spectrum, if you will. Gender spectrum, orientation spectrum, monogamy spectrum…wait what?!? MONOGAMY SPECTRUM? Yes, you heard me correctly. 


Monogamy spectrum

I believe Dan Savage coined the term “Monogamish”, and Dr. Jess O’Reilly did a TedTalk on it. It’s a term I use often when speaking to people who are looking to spice things up. Growing up in the 70’s and 80’s, most of us were taught that relationships were structured in one way, and anything outside of that was somehow less than, or subpar. Today’s relationship structures are fluid, and very much unique to each individual. Like most things related to being human, monogamy can also exist on a continuum. It’s all based on what agreements you have within your relationship, how comfortable you are with your partner, and how much trust exists in the relationship. 

So, what sort of things would land themselves on the spectrum of monogamy?

To give you an idea, here are some examples that are outside of the 100% monogamy box. 

  • Begin testing out some verbal play during sex that includes the idea of other people there with you (note: nobody is actually there with you and your partner – this is just verbalizing fantasies in the moment to create a visual)
  • Go to a strip club together 
  • Being flirtatious with other people in front of your partner (with your partner’s consent)
  • Creating an anonymous account together to chat with other people/couples online
  • Go to a sex club to just watch

Although that is by no means an exhaustive list, the examples do prove that there are ways to think outside the box (pun intended) that don’t necessarily include the usual suggestions you may find online to “spice things up”. For some couples, wearing sexy lingerie or talking dirty just doesn’t cut it. They need to level up a bit and aren’t quite sure where to begin. 

Game on!

The bottom line is this - it’s time to check the antiquated and restrictive sexual beliefs at the door. You have an untapped sexual well that deserves to be tapped into – and tapped into, hard (or soft…whichever floats your boat)! So, take a deep breath and hold onto your hypercolor t-shirts (90’s kid reference) – it’s our turn to create a sexual revolution of our own…Gen X style.