What I Want Right Now

“What do you want right now?”

You always ask this question. I want to appreciate it, but it drives me crazy. I never know what to say.

I want to answer. I want to know what I want. But it's been so long since I've felt comfortable enough with someone even to consider what that answer might be. I don’t even know where to begin.

I’m lying facedown on your bed. A small lamp next to the bed sets a feeble glow about the room. An increasingly familiar aromatic mixture of perfume and laundry detergent, dust collecting in the corners of this ageing room, seeps down my throat as I breathe slightly beyond the pillow under my cheek.

As I peer into the near darkness, I mull your words over in my head, trying desperately to find my own. I don’t want to take too long to respond, but my reply is caught in the depths of a crevice somewhere and I feel like I don’t have the tools necessary to extract it.

You ask again, almost as if you heard my thought processes playing out.

You had an answer when you were daydreaming yesterday, says the little voice in my head. Just say it out loud and see how it goes. Yet I continue to hesitate. My face is strategically placed in the shadows so you can’t easily see my frustration. You're behind me, lightly massaging up and down the bare skin of my back. Your hands are warm, and strong, and you touch me with a tenderness I've not known in years, if ever.

Well? What do you want? You like this, right? Maybe you just want them to keep doing what they're doing. Just swallow that fear and say… Something. Anything.

The little voice is right. It’s high time I take some risks.

I lift myself up and turn around to face you.

“For starters," I say, "I would like you to kiss me like you mean it.” I have no idea where that came from. I guess the cheeky little inside voice is trying to escape.

I get up onto my knees and crawl a pace closer to you. Kneeling in front of you, I pause for a moment. Not a hesitation, just a pause.

I look into your eyes for a moment, remember how safe I feel with you, and look down at my hands again.

We know this won't last, the voice says. But you can allow yourself to enjoy it while it does.

With eyes partly closed, I lean my face in towards yours, and you meet my cheek with the palm of your hand before we come together for a simple kiss. Your lips match your hands in their warmth and soft strength.

I take your face in both hands as I kiss you back. You place your hands on the small of my back and we pull into one another. Our inch towards each other until the tips of my nipples just barely graze the skin of your bare chest. Your other hand scoops the back of my head, and you weave your fingers into my hair for reassurance.

“I want you to kiss my neck,” I say softly. I feel like my voice would falter if I say it too loudly. The assertiveness of the words still tastes somewhat foreign on my tongue.

With your grip secured, you pull my head back gently to expose my neck. You wet your lips and trace the length of it with soft, slow kisses from the base of my ear down to the edge of my clavicle.

My breath has intensified. I can feel my pulse gradually elevate every time your lips pull away and invite the air to take your place on my skin. My head lolls into your palm behind my head and I close my eyes, running my fingers over your skull.

You trace the ledge of my clavicle with your lips, edging towards the tip of my shoulder.

“I want you to bite me,” I say. “Just a little bit.”

I feel your smile on me as you alter your path, moving your mouth back towards my neck. You nip gently at the flesh of my shoulder near the crook of my neck. I swoon as you lightly pinch the skin between your front teeth then release to suture that imaginary wound with another kiss. You plant a few more nibbles along the way before finally passing under my chin. Your hand is pressed gently to my sternum, holding my fluttering heart safe as your kisses creep up the other side of my neck.

You sneak the tip of your tongue into my ear, and I shiver. It tickles. First I cringe, my shoulder pinching up towards my ear. But then I giggle because I actually kind of like it, and the tension in my shoulder releases to invite you in closer.

Another tension rises in my hip flexors and groin muscles. That's when I realize that I’m still kneeling. My knees are gradually stretching further away from each other as I sink deeper into the bed. I lean back slowly and straighten my legs out in front of me, coaxing you to shift in towards me. Lips locked once again, with a little more hunger this time, you crawl on top of me and gently lower your body to mine. I feel snug and safe under your weight as you tease my hips with the soft rolling rhythm of yours.

Our lips and hands find more confidence in this new position. You slip the tip of your tongue subtly into my mouth. I slide my hand down your spine and grab a handful of ass flesh to declare my approval, and I sink my tongue a little deeper into your mouth in return.

As we carry on, I start to feel more self-assured. “I think... I want you to go down on me,” I say. “But not right away. I want you to take your time getting there.” I stare at the ceiling for a moment. “I want you to tease me, ” I add.

You pull back from me enough to align your face with my chest. You kiss slowly down the length of my sternum as your fingertips of one hand softly swirl around the side of my breast and into the dip of my waist to hold me there.

“I like when you touch me like that."

You pull back to let your hands take over. You trace the skin all over my torso with the ends of your fingers. As you move down the side of my ribs, I feel my lower back arch spontaneously. I anchor to the steadiness of your breath, and try to match your pace. After a few inhalations though, I decide it’s too deep. Your lungs are too powerful for mine to keep up, and it’s beginning to distract me. You rest your hands in the valleys of my waist for a moment before moving lower as I release a long, sultry exhalation to resume my natural rate of respiration.

I let my head fall back into the pillows behind me as you palm my outer thighs and fold over to kiss my stomach. Leaning your cheek for a moment on my abdomen, you release your grip and resume the light touches along the outside of my legs and up the side of my ribcage. Without lifting my head, I rest one hand on your arm to follow along with your motions and run my other hand as far down your back as my arms’ reach allows.

Lying on your stomach, you shift even further down the mattress. My knees are bent and held together by your embrace. You graze the outside of my hip and, by placing hand to my inner thigh and kissing my knee, you ask permission to spread my legs apart. I let my knees fall to either side, and you run your hand up my inner thigh into the crook of my groin, and -- start to follow the same line with your mouth.

You can bite you there too, you know, the voice suggests.

“You can bite me there too," I echo aloud.

Your kisses change to light nips as you move down my thigh from my knee. Testing my threshold, the nibbles gradually increase in intensity until I signal, with an inhalation that is much sharper than the rest, that you've found my line between pleasure and pain today. You lick at my heat, and your breath lingers heavily on my skin.

I swoon, imagining my pulse beating into your mouth as you continue your slow tease. As you do, I feel the fingerprints that you left all over my body light up. I imagine you can feel my heat on your face. Your breath hovers over my clit, and I feel it throb, reaching out for attention but to my painful delight, you kiss everywhere but there.

I lose myself so much in the building storm of sensations that I almost don't notice when your tongue finds the tip of my clit. I cave in on myself, melting into the soft heat of your mouth as you draw a circle once around it, and slide your tongue between my labia, gently prying them apart to mix my wetness with yours. With the flat of your tongue, you move back up toward my swollen clit. This time you stay there.

The tip of your tongue flicks up, catching the underside of the hood. It’s too much. I breathe in sharply and gently tap the warning into your shoulder. “Careful under there,” I say. “I guess I’m pretty sensitive tonight.”

You flatten your tongue to continue moving up and down over my clit, and transition back into a light circular motion around the hood.

Much more careful now, thank you.

The heat of your breath is not the same as the warmth of your wet tongue, yet they manage to reach a sort of harmony together. I'm moaning now and let my hand caress the side of your head nestled between my legs.

My other arm is above my head. Unsure of what to do with it or where it should be, I absently twirl my hair around my finger. As you maintain your perfect, consistent rhythm around my clit, I feel my hips begin to thrust softly on their own. Shivers swell and release in the small of my back. I grind a little harder into your face. You don't skip a beat, moving right along with my pelvic waves.

Without distracting your tongue, you raise one hand and rest it on my thigh, before letting your thumb sneak down to massage my labia. I feel my whole body beg for you to touch me deeper. You gently coax me open with the pad of your thumb. This in conjunction with the unfaltering sway of your tongue on my clit induces a full-body moan. My eyes trip into the back of my head and I melt into the mattress.

“Yes! Yes, I want you to use your fingers too,” I sigh in approval.

You pull away from my clit, just for a moment, kiss up my inner thigh again and look up at me. Your gaze is intense, and I look away shyly, resting my head back on the pillow. You take your index finger and slide it inside me, and dip back down, your lips to my clit. You suck gently now, though you seem hungrier. And you're sliding your finger in and up, just the way I like it.

"More," I beg.

Obligingly, you add a second finger. Rather than the simple in-and-out now, you coyly beckon me to come hither from within. Your fingers curl up to caress inside me, and I feel my lower body twitch aggressively in response to this rubbing sensation. It takes me by surprise - I really can’t tell if it came from my hips or my lower back. I plant my feet into the bed on either side of you and raise my hips, as if to bring the front of my tailbone to touch ceiling.

"More," I demand again.

You place your free hand at the small of my back to steady me as you add a third inside, stretching me further. This gradual build of tension in my pelvis is simultaneously exhilarating and torturous. I don’t know what to do or how to feel anymore. I clutch the sheets. I throw the pillow across the room. I pull your hair. I pull my hair. I grab my breast. I don’t really feel anything by doing so, but I squeeze it again anyways. I squeeze my other breast. I stroke my own neck. I press more firmly into my feet and feel the tension grow in my hips. I worry my hip will cramp up. I disregard that sensation.

A tingling feeling wells between my eyebrows, which moves up my forehead as if I was struck by a sudden sense of confusion. The muscles in my neck tighten as I press the back of my head into the mattress. I hang on the brink of excruciatingly blissful oblivion for what feels like a tiny eternity. Finally, the pressure building between my clit and your tongue and your diligent fingers meets its breaking point.

I surrender into an explosive contraction that erupts from somewhere deep in the bowl of my pelvis and my grip tightens around your fingers. I observe my whole body dilate and contract, and I moan aggressively into the darkness. Every subsequent contraction after this moment is a little less powerful, but clings a little longer than the first until eventually they too fade into that oblivion I had just tasted. Pulse throbbing in my throat and in the back of my head, my hips lower gradually back down to the mattress.

I become aware of the fact that your mouth is no longer pressed against me. I slurp in the air like I’m learning to breathe for the first time as you slowly draw your fingers out from the dripping sheath of my flesh.

“Oh, God.” A shiver shoots from between my shoulder and runs halfway down my spine as we disconnect.

You sit back while I wriggle from one side to the other on the bed in front of you. I shield my eyes from a non-existent light. I can still feel the echoes of deep contractions pulsing in and around me as I catch my breath.

You laugh. I do too. I assume I look ridiculous. Fucked if I care.

I sit up too quickly and feel light-headed. I take a moment to look around the room and let my eyes readjust to their surroundings as I come down.

Reaching across the bed, I pull you in and press my lips to yours. I tease your mouth with my tongue while I kiss you, and gently bite your bottom lip. My hand sneaks into your lap. I feel around over your underwear to find that you're turned on too.

I really look into your eyes for the first time since we entered the room. “I really want you inside me,” I say, stroking the material cloaking your shaft.

NOW.

I pull at your waistband, and you hurry to disrobe.

I lean back on the bed again, pulling your naked body down with mine. Between my strokes and the effects of gravity pulling the blood towards the tip of your cock, I feel you swell and grow more rigid in the palm of my hand. I wrap my fingers around your girth and guide you to the puddle of wetness your fingers just left behind. Your hand replaces mine and you slowly rub the head of your cock up and down through my wetness, taunting me with a mini-massage before proceeding to the inevitable.

I feel you stiffen even more as you slide slowly inside me, expanding and pushing my limits all along the way. Your body submits into mine, and I wrap my arms around your neck. My inner thighs grip you firmly around the waist as you plunge repeatedly into me. I can feel your curves rub into the edges of my insides as you pull out.

Moaning, I bury my face into your neck and gently bite into the flesh of his shoulder. Our bodies rock on the mattress, and the bed frame shifts on the floor beneath us. You try to kiss me; we only succeed in panting into each other's open mouths. I hold your head in both hands, and lift my hips up into yours. Encouraging you to go deeper, I growl and kiss you once more before pushing you right off of me. You're taken aback, and almost fall off the bed.

“I want you to take me from behind,” I say, turning around onto my hands and knees.

You approach me from the darkness behind me and slide in with ease. Finding our pace once again, you reach as deep as anyone can. I nearly collapse into the bed. Collecting myself, I whip my head to flip my hair out of my face and back behind me.

You should pull your hair, says the voice.

“Please, I want you to pull my hair.”

Obediently as ever, you gather a handful near my scalp and pull my head back to one side hard enough to create the strain I’m looking for.

"Yes, that's perfect."

You thrust harder and deeper, and tighten your grip on my hair. Now you're moaning softly into the vastness of this room. I can tell that your stamina to prolong your own pleasure is beginning to wear thin. I lean my chest into the bed in front of me, and your hand finds the middle of my back to press me down a little deeper into the mattress as you find your final strokes.

Your post-orgasmic hiccups shiver inside me and into the space beneath your flat palm. I bite into the fitted sheet that has loosened since we started, and I renounce the desire to assert any more control today.

Now, I just want to be here with you.