Horatio Slice: Confessions of a Space Pirate

Oleander Plume
6 mins read
Published over 2 years ago
Chapter 4

Horatio Slice: Did I Do That?

When Horatio woke up again, two unblinking silver eyes stared back at him. Startled, Horatio slid back about a foot. “Holy shit!” he exclaimed.

It wasn’t a dream. He’d really traveled through a portal to another dimension, and if that wasn’t messed up enough, he was lying in a strange bed next to a vampire space pirate. A hot, vampire space pirate, who stared at Horatio like he was his next meal.

“Good morning, darling,” Snake said. He was stretched out on his side, head on the other pillow, fully dressed in black leather pants, a red silk shirt, and the same sexy boots he’d worn the night before.

“Dude! Were you watching me sleep?” Horatio moved even further away from Snake. “Kind of cliché, isn’t it? Do you sparkle, too?”

“Sparkle? Only when I’m feeling extra fabulous.” Snake sat up and fluffed his hair. “I came to wake you for breakfast. You humans enjoy that sort of thing, correct?”

“Breakfast?” Horatio glanced toward the porthole. “The sun is out.” He turned back toward Snake. “Why aren’t you exploding?”

“Exploding? Why the bloody hell would I explode?”

“You’re a vampire,” Horatio said as he sat up.


“Vampires can’t be out in the sun or they explode.”

Snake laughed so hard he had to hold his side. “Maybe the vampires on Earth explode in the sun, but where I come from, we rather enjoy sunlight.”

“We don’t have vampires on earth, only in movies.” Horatio went on to explain to a rather confused Snake that, in his world, vampires were the stuff of fiction. “They sleep in coffins and drink people dry. Sometimes they turn into bats, too.” He couldn’t help but touch the smooth skin of Snake’s face. “Gotta say, most of ‘em are pale as fuck, not hot caramel like you.”

“My father is pale like that, actually, with skin like moonstone. As for the rest, it’s all nonsense, except for drinking people dry.” Snake smiled, flashing his fangs. “That, I’m more than capable of.”

Horatio covered his neck with a pillow, which made Snake laugh even more.

“Don’t be daft, I won’t be killing you anytime soon. Besides, it’s Meridian you need to worry about.”

“What the hell does he want with me?” 

Snake palmed Horatio’s morning wood, still hidden by the sheet. “Maybe he’s heard about your manly attributes?” 

Horatio pushed against Snake’s hand, his anxiety replaced by horniness. “Want to take a ride? Or, you can fuck me. I’m good either way.”

“I’d better not.” Snake rolled off the bed and pointed to a pile of clothes on the dresser. “Suki made these for you.”

“Suki made me clothes?” Horatio examined the suede pants Snake tossed to him. They looked expensive and perfectly tailored. “When did he even have time to do this?”

“Humerians are a special breed. They’re remarkably efficient in just about every task…”

“Especially sex,” Horatio said as he slid the pants over his thighs. 

Snake lowered his voice to a whisper. “What did they do to you last night?”

“Oh, they fucked me good.”

Snake’s eyebrows shot up. “All of them? You took on all eight?”

Horatio carefully tucked in his dick before zipping the fly. “What do I look like, an amateur?”

“Blimey. I really do need a ride on that thing.” Snake handed Horatio a long-sleeved white T-shirt that was so snug, Horatio could barely tug it over his abs. “Oof, Suki is a genius with fabric, I must say.”

“I feel like a bimbo,” Horatio said. Once dressed, he followed Snake down a hallway lined with dozens of black six panel doors. “This is a ship? Looks more like a fancy hotel.”

“The boys are particular about their housing.” Snake rapped on one of the doors. “These are their bunks. Down below is the engine room and a few storage areas.” He stopped when they reached an elevator. “Upstairs is my bunk, the living room, bar, game room and the cockpit.”

“Cockpit? But this is a ship.”

“Frances is a multipurpose vehicle. She can drive on land, sail on water, and even fly, although we haven’t had more than a test run of that particular feature. Seven assures me that it works, so I’m taking him at his word.”

The elevator creeped along at a snail’s pace, giving Horatio ample time to bombard Snake with questions. “Which one is Seven, again?”

“The one with the nose ring.” 

“I thought Suki had a nose ring.”

“Suki has a lip ring. Honestly, you’ll need to learn how to tell them apart if you’re going to be staying on.”

When Horatio explained that he would love to stay on board the ship, but needed to get back to Earth and finish the tour, Snake snickered.

“I don’t think you understand the magnitude of your situation. Meridian, who happens to be in charge of the Galaxian Alliance as well as king of the most powerful dimension in the universe, kidnapped you and sealed off the earth gate so you can’t return. Suffice it to say, you are stuck here indefinitely.”

Horatio fumed. “You need to take me to the U.N. or something, I mean, I’m a fucking American citizen and I have rights, man!” He wanted to find Meridian and punch him in the face.

“I agree you got a raw deal, but no worries. The boys and I will take good care of you until we get this sorted out.” Snake planted a hot kiss on Horatio’s lips. “Exceedingly good care.”

Still swooning from Snake’s kiss, Horatio followed him down another hallway. He stopped to gawk at a large game room complete with a regulation sized pool table. “This is crazy. I mean, I’m in an alternate dimension, but so far everything looks like it does back home.”

Snake stood next to Horatio and pointed to a dart board. “Got that one back on Earth, but, yeah, most things are the same.”

“What do you mean you got the dartboard back on Earth?”

“Earth is a pirate’s paradise. Friendly advice?” Snake patted Horatio’s chest. “Amp up your security.”

The scent of food interrupted Horatio’s thoughts and he let Snake lead him to a large, modern kitchen, where the crew was already gathered. Seven of them were seated atop barstools at a black granite topped island, while the eighth stood behind the counter pouring coffee. The identical blondes wore charcoal grey suits paired with form-fitting T-shirts in various hues, almost as if they were color coordinated for easy identification. Since the jackets were cut shorter in the back, Horatio noticed their trousers were slit up to the waist, allowing for a tantalizing glimpse of their perfect asses.

“Mornin’, lads,” Snake bellowed. “I believe you remember Horatio.”

All eight turned and stared at him with luminous green eyes. “Good morning, Horatio,” they said in unison.

Horatio grabbed his crotch and erupted into song. 

“It’s raining men, hallelu…” but before he could finish ‘hallelujah’, chaos ensued. Every bulb in the sleek track lighting exploded. The kitchen sink projectile vomited, spewing a geyser that flung streams of soapy water all over the exotic wood cabinets, and the crew. A porthole shattered into a spider’s web before the shards of glass poured onto the floor. 

“Did I do that?” Horatio asked.

Growling, Sugar hopped off his barstool and charged at Horatio, knocking him to the floor. He held a switchblade to Horatio’s neck. “Did you booby trap the entire ship, or just the kitchen?”

“Is that a real knife?” Horatio asked, blinking away a drop of water that dripped from Sugar’s hair onto his face.

“Answer me!” Sugar seethed. “Did you, or did you not, boobytrap the ship?”

In the back of his mind, Horatio knew he should be terrified, since Sugar, despite his petite stature, pinned him easily and now had a knife at his throat. Horatio’s dick had other ideas, however, ideas that involved kissing Sugar’s glossed lips and sucking the beautiful cock that dangled from the opening in the front of his pants.

“You said booby,” Horatio finally muttered, followed by an immature giggle.

“Ugh, let him go, Sugar. He’s obviously too stupid to be a criminal mastermind,” Suki said as he pulled Sugar off Horatio.

Horatio rubbed the front of his neck. “Damn skippy I’m too stupid … hey!”

“His guitar makes things explode, too,” Snake said. “Yesterday he destroyed two Reptilian guards with it.” 

“Yeah, they exploded into bloody chunks. And then, I puked,” Horatio said, shivering when he remembered the disembodied eyeball rolling across the floor. “It was disgusting.”

Sugar pointed his blade at Horatio. “I want to see this guitar. Right now.”

Before Horatio could struggle to his feet, a siren wailed and a robotic female voice droned, “Alert. Alert. Security has been compromised. Alert. Alert.”

“Bloody hell! What now?” Snake shouted.

“Someone hacked the mainframe,” Seven shouted back. “Come on!”

Seven ran from the room, Snake and Sugar at his heels. Horatio mumbled an apology to the remaining drenched crew members before following the trio. 

“Whoa! Is this the cockpit?” Horatio shrieked over the siren. “Looks like an airplane.”

Four leather captain’s chairs sat in front of a dashboard covered with buttons, dials and blinking lights. Through the expansive windshield, Horatio saw a stretch of sunlit beach, palm trees and blue water. If it weren’t for the blaring alarm, he could have been in Hawaii, or some other tropical paradise. He watched as Seven took a seat in front of a large computer screen and flipped a lever, muting the siren.

“What’s with this static on the monitor?” Snake asked as he sat next to Seven.

“Not sure,” Seven said, “but it looks like someone is trying to hack into our video chat program.”

“Not just someone,” a throaty voice rang out. “Your king.”