Horatio Slice: Confessions of a Space Pirate

Oleander Plume
9 mins read
Published about 2 years ago
Chapter 5

Horatio Slice: (Un)Glory Hole

Snake leaned forward in his chair and shook a fist at the fuzzy image on the computer monitor. “You’re not my king, you bloody tosser!”

“On the contrary, I’m everybody’s king.”

The voice had a slight lisp and a whiney tone that set Horatio’s teeth on edge. He flopped into the last empty chair, right next to Seven, who also glared at the empty screen.

“How the hell did you hack into my system?” Seven snarled.

“Humerians aren’t the only ones who possess exemplary technological skills,” the lispy voice replied. 

Seven rolled his eyes. “Exemplary? You can’t even get the video feed running.”

“Maybe because your ship is a cheap piece of…”

Horatio flinched when Snake slapped his hand against the dashboard. “Don’t you fucking dare insult my ship, boy. And what the hell do you want?”

“You have something that belongs to me. Give it!”

“You’re completely mental,” Snake said. “I’ve never stolen anything from you.” 

“You helped Horatio Slice escape from prison last night. Return him to me immediately or you will feel my wrath, Snake Vinter!”

“Wait a second, is that… Meridian?” Horatio said, about to punch the monitor.

“Who said that?” Meridian asked.

“No one,” Seven said, clasping a firm hand over Horatio’s mouth. “Don’t say a word,” Seven whispered. 

Horatio struggled against Seven’s grasp. Like Sugar, Seven was petite but strong. While Horatio wrestled with him, Snake continued his argument. 

“Listen, Meridian, I’ve never met anyone named Horatio Hornblower, so you can just bugger right off!”

“I said Horatio Slice, and yes you have met him. Six guards witnessed you dragging him off through a portal,” Meridian shrieked.

Intent on pleading his case, Horatio licked Seven’s palm, causing him to pull his hand away, but before he could get a word out, Seven quickly hopped onto his lap and surprised him with a kiss – but not just any kiss. Seven treated Horatio to a face-melting smooch that tasted like chocolate covered strawberries and made him forget all about being kidnapped and dragged off to a strange land. 

Fuck Meridian, Horatio thought, I’m all about this hot action right here.

While they made out, Horatio took advantage of the slit in the back of Seven’s trousers, using one finger to tease his hole while he sucked Seven’s tongue. Eyes closed, he could still hear Snake, Sugar, and Meridian all shouting at once, but his throbbing boner turned off the part of his brain that normally cared about such things. Seven bucked against Horatio’s lap, both hands twisted in Horatio’s hair.

“Snake get the hose,” he heard Sugar say.

“Blimey! You two picked this particular moment to snog?” Snake asked.

Seven pulled away from Horatio’s lips and glowered at Snake. “It was the only way I could get him to shut up.”

“You could have shoved your dick in my mouth, I would have been cool with that,” Horatio said, still woozy and breathless from Seven’s hot lips.

“Damn, I wish I would have thought of that,” Seven said. He stood up and smoothed his jacket. “What happened with Meridian?” 

“I got sick of his whining and shut off the computer,” Sugar said. 

“He wouldn’t tell us why he wants you, Horatio,” Snake said. “We’ll have to do some investigating on our own. In the meantime, I believe I have him convinced that Horatio isn’t our newest crew member.”

Horatio leaned back in the chair and grabbed his crotch. “Speaking of members, someone needs to finish me off.” He smiled at Sugar. “How about you, hot stuff? You said I was yummy, remember?”

“Let’s drop him off in Turquin, Snake,” Sugar said with a flip of his hair.

Snake put his arms around Sugar. “Come on now, lover, Horatio is a good bloke, you just need to give him a chance. Besides, he saved my neck last night with that guitar of his.”

“And how did he do that, exactly?” Sugar asked.

The lie Snake wove was so intricate, Horatio almost believed it himself. “I was sitting in a bar in Merona, when a portal appeared in the ceiling directly over my head. Horatio fell through, almost right in my lap. I said, ‘Who might you be, lad?’” Snake told Sugar the basic story about Horatio’s being on stage and falling through a portal. “I promised to take him home, but I couldn’t make a portal to Earth, and then I called you, Sugar.”

“About that,” Sugar said, casting a suspicious glance at Horatio. “A lot of time passed after your second call and when you showed up here. What happened?”

“Like Meridian said, six Reptilian guards showed up with rifles drawn!” 

Seven smacked Snake on the shoulder. “Since when are you afraid of bullets?”

“I can’t die by gunfire, but he can.” Snake gestured to Horatio. “I know he’s a stranger and all, but I couldn’t let the poor chap die in front of me. I made a portal and dragged him through, but the guards were quick and dove in with us.” Snake’s tone turned more dramatic. He could have been on a stage somewhere, bathed in spotlight. “Two were about to fire, but Horatio strummed this guitar and, boom! Reptilian innards flew in all directions. A bit got in my hair,” he said with a pout. “Additional guards showed up, and we changed dimensions three more times before we finally made our way back here.”

“Guitar,” Sugar said as if trying the word on for size. “I want to see it. I want to know exactly what it does and why.”

“Back on earth, my guitar makes music, it doesn’t kill. Your part of the universe is really fucked up,” Horatio said. He stared at Seven’s still semi-hard dick. “Sexy as hell but fucked up.” 

Stiles appeared in the cockpit doorway, holding a spatula. “The kitchen is clean, and breakfast is ready.” He pointed the spatula he carried at Horatio. “Don’t make me put a muzzle on you.” 

On the way back to the kitchen, Horatio whined about having blue balls. Seven smacked his butt and said, “I’ll finish you off later, stud. In fact, I’ll leave you a wet, exhausted mess.”

“Kick ass!” Horatio said. 

The kitchen and the crew were primped to perfection, without even a hint of the earlier destruction. Horatio was about to sit next to Suki but hesitated when he growled at him.

“Over here, Horatio,” Snake said, patting the empty stool next to him. “And don’t mind Suki, his bark is worse than his bite.”

“My bite is delightful, and you know it,” Suki said to Snake. 

“Not as delightful as my crepes,” Stiles said, setting a full plate in front of Horatio.

“Did you cook all this?” Horatio took a bite and moaned. “Better than sex, man.” Lighter than air crepes were wrapped around juicy berries and smothered in vanilla-infused whipped cream. “Imma need a cigarette after eating these.”

Stiles giggled. “Flattery will get you everywhere.” 

Everyone ate, except for Snake, who sipped coffee and rubbed Sugar’s dick. Judging from the rest of the crew’s blank expressions, Snake’s fondling was an everyday occurrence, and Horatio suddenly understood why Snake turned him down for sex earlier. Snake and Sugar were a couple. A weird couple, but a couple none the less. Already sort of attached to Snake, Horatio felt a little jealous, until he noticed Suki staring at him while licking his fork.

“Hey sexy, thanks for the clothes. Snake said you made them, but he was joking, right?” Horatio said to Suki.

Suki finished licking his fork before answering, making Horatio squirm on his chair. “No, I really made them all. Besides being a sex god, I’m an expert tailor.”

“Let me get this straight, you make clothes, Stiles is a gourmet chef, and Snake is a vampire space pirate?” Horatio rubbed his forehead. “This is one hell of crazy dream.” He yelped when Sugar reached around Snake and jabbed him in the ribs with a butter knife. “Ow! What gives, Blondie?”

“Did you feel that?” Sugar asked.

“Of course, I did, it fucking hurt!”

“Then you’re not dreaming. Pull yourself together and assess your situation,” Sugar said.

“I told you last night you weren’t dreaming, remember?” Snake asked.

Horatio blushed when he remembered all the other things Snake had said and done to him the night before. The kissing and sucking and biting—he wondered if Sugar had a superpower and hoped it didn’t involve mind reading. Horatio stared Sugar straight in the eyes and tried to think unsexy thoughts, just in case. 

Sugar stared back before saying, “What did you do that would arouse Meridian’s interest? Have you ever been to Clairidia?”

“Clairidia? Is that in New Jersey?” Horatio asked. 

Sugar went on to explain that Clairidia was one of the largest dimensions in the galaxy, and Meridian’s homeland. “He inherited the throne when his father died.”

“He’s king, huh? The dude sounded pretty young to me, like maybe your age,” Horatio said to Snake.

“My age? I’m almost two hundred,” Snake said.

“I’m two-hundred and four,” Stiles said as he refilled Horatio’s coffee cup.

“You’re all shitting me.” Snake appeared to be twenty while the crew all looked like high school seniors. 

“What can I say, vampires are immortal creatures,” Snake said. “We can only die if someone chops off our head.” He raised an eyebrow at Suki. “Don’t even think about it.”

“Are the rest of you vamps, too?” Horatio covered his neck with both hands.

“No,” Seven said with a wink. “We’re just too awesome to die.”

After three servings of crepes, Horatio was ready for a nap, but Sugar insisted they take a trip to a dimension called Vanguard, so he could see firsthand what Horatio’s guitar could do. With his twelve-string slung across his back, Horatio followed Snake and Sugar to the ship’s hatch. Sugar had changed into a black leather jumpsuit that zipped up the front and wore a shoulder holster that held a lethal looking gun. Snake wore the same clothes, but had a sheathed short sword attached to his belt. 

“Um, hate to be a buzzkill, but I’m not sure I want to visit a place that requires all this heavy artillery,” Horatio said.

Snake punched in the key code for the door. “Sugar likes being overly dramatic.”

Sugar sniffed. “When you see the creatures running around Vanguard, you’ll be happy I’m packing heat.”

“Baby, you’re always packing heat,” Snake said, patting Sugar on the butt.

The hatch slid open and the smell of sea air wafted in. Horatio watched Sugar and Snake climb down the ladder. “Are those crip crab things still out there?” he asked.

“The tide’s receded, so the coast is clear,” Snake said. 

Relieved, Horatio climbed down and stepped onto the soft, wet sand, a bit dazzled by the view. “Wow, during the day, this place looks just like Maui.” He stretched out his arms and grinned. “Feel that sun! We should have a naked beach party.”

“Don’t get too comfortable. There are things more dangerous than crip crabs around here,” Sugar said.

“What could be more dangerous than a crab that attaches itself to your balls and sucks blood out of your taint?” Horatio asked.

“A bird that pokes a hole in your skull and eats your brain,” Sugar said. “Like the one headed this way.” Sugar pulled out his gun, aimed, and fired. A feathered creature about the size of a cat hit the ground two feet in front of them. 

Horatio’s knees buckled. He collapsed onto the sand and shielded his head with both arms. “I want to go home, man. Right fucking now.” Even the weight of his beloved twelve string against his back brought no comfort. Hot tears stung his eyes, and his throat hurt. He heard Snake and Sugar whispering to each other before a hand rested on his shoulder.

“Hey,” the voice belonged to Sugar, not Snake as Horatio expected. “I know you didn’t ask for any of this, and you’re probably pretty scared and confused right now, but you need to hold it together, okay?”

“I’m not immortal like you guys. I could die, and I really don’t want to, not yet.”

“Look at me,” Sugar said, with a tone that made Horatio obey. He lifted his head. “We’re not going to let you die. I promise.” Sugar leaned over and kissed a tear from Horatio’s cheek. “At least not until I fuck you again.”

“Any time, babe.” Horatio stood up, cracked his knuckles, and attempted to look brave even though his insides quivered. “Let’s do this.”

Snake explained that Vanguard was full of monsters who would try to eat them. “But, they’re slow, lumbering creatures, and easy pickings, to boot. Until you get your guitar figured out, stay behind me and Sugar, got it?” he said as he created a portal.

“Yeah, sure, no problem,” Horatio said as he followed Sugar through the gateway.

On the other side, Vanguard could have been any western state, like Kansas or Utah, if not for the piss yellow sky. The dry grass crunched under Horatio’s boots. When he stopped to examine an odd-looking shrub, Snake yanked him backward. 

“Those bite,” Snake said, brandishing his sword. 

“Everything here bites,” Sugar said. 

Horatio watched the “shrub” shrink to the size of a bowling ball and roll away. At Snake’s urging, he brought his guitar to the front. 

“I don’t remember what setting made those guards explode.”

“Better figure it out quick. Big baddie at twelve o’clock,” Snake whispered. 

A scaly creature resembling a giant centipede slithered towards them. Horatio played a chord, and it exploded into bite-sized chunks.

“What in the actual fuck… How did you do that?” Sugar shrieked. 

Snake howled. “See? That machine of his is worth its weight. Do it again!”

The monsters kept advancing, sometimes two or three at a time. Every change of volume or tone caused a different effect. Creatures turned to dust, exploded into pieces of various sizes, or simply dropped dead, intact. When Horatio turned the volume all the down and strummed, a shaggy beast with three heads shrieked in terror and ran away.

“I’ll be damned, this thing does it all,” Horatio said. 

“We need to get us more of those,” Snake said. “Too bad Earth is the only place that has them.” 

“I’ll bet Ting could recreate it. We should head to Graphica,” Sugar said.

Before Horatio could ask who Ting was, Snake’s cell phone chimed. He read the text out loud. “Snake. Got a job for ya that will pay big. Meet me in the usual spot in twenty.” He grinned. “It’s from Scully. Glad to know the rumors of his demise are false.”


The ‘usual spot’ turned out to be a dive bar called The Jade Monkey. When Horatio expressed his fear of being seen in public, Snake assured him they were safe.

“We’re in Upper Environ, a secret pirate hang-out,” Snake said. “No cops here.”

“Keep quiet and try to blend in,” Sugar said as he opened the door. 

Inside, the place smelled like cigars and whiskey. Of the dozen or so patrons that graced the bar area, Horatio decided only two were not terrifying beyond all reason. He stayed close to Snake, until an unmistakable need took over.

“I gotta take a leak. Which one is the men’s room?”

Sugar pointed to a door. “The one that says ‘men’ on the front.” 

Walking into the cramped bathroom, Horatio was relieved to find actual stalls and not a bucket in the corner. He locked himself inside one and sighed in relief as he peed. Just as he was shaking it off, a glory hole caught his eye. When he thought he heard movement on the other side, he said, “Um, hello?”

A normal looking hand reached through the hole and wagged a finger at him.

“Oh, hi, um, I know what you want, but it’s not a good time for me,” Horatio whispered.

The finger wagged with more urgency.

“Tempting, but, no thanks.”

Instead of wagging, the fingers curled into the shape of a “C”, before the hand moved up and down, mimicking a hand job. 

“You’re making it really hard to say no.”

The hand moved faster, while a sexy, masculine voice moaned a long “mmm” sound.

“Well, when you put it that way…”

Horatio made sure the lock on the stall was securely fastened before leaning against the metal wall and sliding his already hard dick halfway into the hole. Any trepidations he had about sticking his cock in a strange place went away when that same normal looking hand stroked up and down his dick. Horatio gripped the top of the stall with both hands and pushed forward. A warm tongue licked his cockhead in a very seductive way.

“Oh, yeah,” Horatio hissed.

Standing there, with his pants around his ankles, Horatio remembered the first time he’d found a glory hole, at a truck stop in Pittsburgh of all places. That time, the dude blowing him turned out to be the same guy who’d served him a burger and fries only minutes before—a hottie named Tony who sucked until Horatio was ready to blow, then asked him to come all over his face. Some dudes were like that, hungry for cock and jizz, not caring who it came out of. 

This guy had a hot mouth that swallowed down Horatio’s full length easily. After a few seconds of hard sucking, he had the notion that maybe the mouth on his dick was too deep and too sticky to be human. Which gave him a cold chill.

“I think I’m good,” he said, trying to pull away. 

The mouth sucked harder.

“Feels good, but … oh, holy crap!” 

Besides the delicious sucking, what felt like three tongues massaged his shaft while soft fingers stroked his balls. Horatio didn’t care who was on the other side of that partition. He just wanted to come. And come he did. Twice. 

“Okay,” Horatio said between pants of air, “that’s all I’ve got in me, you can stop.”

But the dude didn’t stop, he just kept sucking and humming in a creepy way. Horatio panicked when he heard the men’s room door swing open. 

“Horatio? Did you flush yourself, mate?” Snake asked.

“No, uh, I have a situation,” Horatio whispered over the strange hum.

He heard Snake step closer. “Tell me you didn’t.”

“I did.”

“Fuck.” He heard Snake blow out a breath. “I think I know what’s in the other stall, but I have to check to make sure. Keep it distracted,” Snake whispered.

It? Horatio’s balls filled with ice water. Just what the hell was sucking his dick? Peering down, he saw Snake’s hands and knees through the gap under the stall as he crawled over to the other cubicle. Horatio heard Snake whimper, followed by a sinister growl that didn’t come from Snake.

“Well, it was nice knowing you, lad,” Snake said softly.