Horatio Slice: You Went from Guitar Player to Guitar Slayer
“Nice knowing me? Stop being cryptic and give me the bad news, vampire!”
“You’ve got your dick stuck in a flesh eater’s mouth. It won’t let go until you satisfy it,” Snake whispered.
“Flesh eater?” Horatio went numb from the neck down. “How do I satisfy it?” he asked Snake, even though he really didn’t want to know.
“With semen,” Snake said. “How many times have you come so far?”
“Twice. And trust me, I’ll never get it up again, so we’ll need a plan B.” Horatio tried to pull his dick out, but the creature only sucked harder.
“There is no plan B. Hear the way it's humming? It wants more of you.” Snake rattled the stall door. “Let me in, I have an idea.”
Keeping one hand on top of the wall to hold himself steady, Horatio used the other to unfasten the latch. Snake squeezed in behind Horatio, chuckling softly.
“As much as I admire your sexy ass, I didn’t figure I’d be saving it again so soon.” Snake brushed Horatio’s hair away from his neck. “Tilt your head over a little.”
“What are you going to do?”
“My bite causes an instant orgasm, remember? A quick nip and we’ll be on our way.” Snake reached around and massaged Horatio’s pecs with both hands. “I said it before, but I’ll say it again. You’re a fucking stud. Now, come for me.”
Snake’s bite felt even better than Horatio remembered. With a shudder, he came hard, shooting another round down the creature’s throat. The humming stopped, and Horatio heard swallowing, followed by what almost sounded like a purr.
“Hear that? It’s happy now,” Snake said.
The mouth loosened and released Horatio’s spent and probably slightly shriveled dick. He quickly pulled his body away from the glory hole and was about to thank Snake for saving him when a flash of white caught his eye.
“Don’t move,” Snake said. “Don’t even blink.”
Floating in the open doorway of Horatio’s stall was a naked being both beautiful and terrifying. Silver hair, red eyes and skin like frost, the creature had voluptuous breasts, as well as a long penis. It smiled and waved at Horatio before floating out of the men’s room.
“Did you see that fucker’s teeth? They were like razor blades.” Horatio squeezed his eyes shut. “Check my dick and tell me it’s still in one piece.”
“Your bits are fine,” Snake said. “Lucky for you, New Devlinites can retract their teeth.”
“Wait, ‘New Devlinite’? I thought you called it a ‘flesh eater’?”
“I did. See, flesh eaters come from a dimension called New Devlin. They all hover like that, too, kind of eerie if you ask me.” Snake carefully tugged up Horatio’s pants and zipped his fly. “Come on, Scully is dying to meet you.”
After splashing his face with cold water from the sink, Horatio followed Snake to a dark corner of the bar, where they found Sugar laughing it up with a bearded hunk. The table they sat behind was covered with shot glasses, both full and empty.
“Oi!” the hunk roared. “There you are, Snake. I thought maybe you flew the coop.”
“Sorry ‘bout that, Scully. Horatio here had a run-in with a flesh eater just now,” Snake said.
Scully was one of those guys who was so hirsute, his beard started about an inch below his eyes and blended right into his furred chest, visible thanks to an unbuttoned flannel shirt that made him look more like a lumberjack than a pirate. He raised an eyebrow at Horatio and snorted. “They didn’t teach you the dangers of sticking your dick into strange holes back on Earth, boy?”
Snake, Sugar, and Scully laughed loudly while Horatio hoped another portal would open up and drop him absolutely anywhere.
“Ah, just funnin’ ya, laddie,” Scully said, wiping his eyes. “We’ve all succumbed to the delights of a flesh eater’s deep throat. That’s how they acquired the nickname, ya know, because of their fondness for cock.”
“That and their penchant for tearing people to ribbons with their razor teeth,” Sugar added. He handed Horatio a full shot glass.
“Thanks, I could use about twenty of these.” Horatio knocked the shot back and slapped the empty back on the table.
Roaring his approval, Scully snapped his fingers at a waiter passing by. “Bring us another dozen glasses of your finest, but cheapest, whiskey.” He leaned back on his chair and raked his eyes over Horatio. “Sugar tells me you can make things explode with your voice.”
“And this,” Sugar said, reaching under the table for Horatio’s guitar. “Explain to Scully how it works.”
Taking care not to pluck the strings, Horatio took his guitar from Sugar and strapped it across his chest. Once again, he explained how, at least back on Earth, his music was strictly for entertainment, not murder and mayhem.
“Like I said yesterday, mate, you went from guitar player to guitar slayer,” Snake said, sounding a little star-struck.
The waiter slid another tray of drinks on the table and was about to tiptoe away when Scully grabbed him around the waist and shoved a shot glass in his hand. “Let’s all drink to the guitar slayer!” he roared.
Five shots later, Horatio felt tipsy and slightly horny. It didn’t help that he was now sitting on Scully’s lap, with Scully’s firm bulge rubbing against his ass. While Sugar looked amused, Snake seemed a bit irritated.
“What about this job you texted me about?” he asked Scully.
“Right, the job. Guess I got a bit distracted.” He winked, and then nudged Horatio off his lap so he could retrieve a phone from his back pocket. “Now, I’d take the gig myself, since the client is an old and dear friend o’ mine, but I’ve got a full plate at the mo.” After scrolling through various photos, he laid his phone face-up on the table. “This is what the client is desiring.”
Sugar frowned at the photo. “It’s an emerald egg.”
“Right you are, Sugar,” Scully said. “Only one place in the galaxy to get one, too.”
“Turquin,” Sugar and Snake said in unison.
“Count me out,” Sugar said with his hands up.
“Okay, what is this Turquin place you’re always talking about?” Horatio asked.
Scully knocked back another whiskey before answering. “Turquin is a devilish place, lad. Hotter than blazes and nothing but sand and rock. The creatures there are lightning quick, too. I’ve seen a man stripped to bare bone in a blink! Worst part is, they start with your dick, and eat it while you’re still alive to watch.”
“Turquin has a vast, underground volcano that spits out these emerald eggs twice a year,” Sugar said, tapping Scully’s phone screen. “The ground around the opening is littered with thousands of them.”
“They’re the ultimate treasure,” Snake said with a nod.
“How much are they worth?” Horatio asked.
“A billion dollars.” Snake grinned at Horatio. “And thanks to your guitar, we’re going to snag us one.”
Horatio helped himself to another whiskey. “Tell you what, I’ve got about a billion in the bank right now. Get me back to Earth and it’s yours.”
Snake shrugged. “I’ve got three billion banked. Besides, it’s not about the money, it’s the thrill of the adventure.” He put an arm around Horatio. “What do you say, Guitar Slayer? You and me go to Turquin, explode about a hundred baddies, and return to a hero’s welcome.”
“You’ll be legends,” Scully said.
“You’ll be dead,” Sugar said. “Guitar or not, Turquin is a suicide mission.”
“I thought you guys were immortal,” Horatio said.
“Immortal means we can live forever. It doesn’t mean we will,” Sugar said.
“But, someone must have made it out of there, right? Otherwise, how would there be a picture of one of those egg things?” Horatio asked Sugar.
Sugar looked grim. “Three have made it out alive. Three.”
“The bones of thousands more rest among the red rocks of Turquin.” Scully raised a glass. “Let’s give an ‘Aye’ to our fallen comrades.”
Throat closed in fear, Horatio was unable to mutter “Aye” along with the other three, but he did raise a glass with a shaking hand.
“I’m shooting you straight, if it wasn’t for Horatio’s guitar, I would turn down this mission. But, I believe in the man’s abilities,” Snake said. “You were there, Sugar. What do you think?”
Sugar stared at the empty shot glass he was twirling against the table top. “I suppose the guitar does give us an edge.” He looked at Horatio. “But are you up for the challenge?”
Between the whiskey buzz and Sugar’s giant green eyes, Horatio couldn’t say no. “But you guys have to promise I won’t die.”
“Brilliant!” Snake rubbed his hands together. “It’s been ages since we’ve gone on a proper, life-threatening mission. Shall we take the ship, or go on foot?”
After a brief discussion on the pros and cons of traveling by ship, Scully reminded them that going on foot would allow them to arrive in a more discreet fashion since “that giant shiny ship of yours will attract every beastie in a twenty-five-mile radius.”
Outside the pub, Snake raised his hand to make a portal, but paused. “To whom will we be bringing this treasure once we fetch it?” he asked Scully.
“To me. I’ll be acting as a liaison, but rest assured, I’ve got the payout. In gold,” Scully said with a wink.
“You’re speaking my language, mate,” Snake said as he twisted his wrist.
Gun at the ready, Sugar entered the gate first. Horatio took a deep breath and followed, gripping his guitar tightly. The moment the portal winked out behind Snake, a giant lizard appeared. Horatio turned it to dust.
“Nice work,” Snake said. “The less noise we make the better.”
Sugar pointed east. “We’re close, you can see the eggs from here.”
Horatio saw flecks of glittering green against the red rocks. An occasional shot of steam belched from a jagged gash that split the ground, creating an eerie hiss that echoed across the barren landscape. Strange creatures darted about the area surrounding the volcano, chasing the giant insects that buzzed overhead.
The mile of open space between the men and their treasure didn’t even offer a shrub for cover. They moved slowly and quietly, stopping occasionally to freeze like statues. Sweat dripped down the back of Horatio’s neck and his stomach churned, but he couldn’t help but feel exhilarated at the same time. Once they were within thirty feet of the emerald eggs, the horde of creatures took notice and advanced at a fast pace.
At first, Sugar picked them off easily with his gun, but the noise attracted more, and soon they were in the middle of a swarm of snapping jaws. Horatio tried playing the same chord as before, but the dust cloud that the exploded reptiles left behind hindered their vision, so he switched tactics, much to Sugar’s chagrin.
“Ew!” Sugar cried. “I have guts in my hair, Slayer.”
“Better messy than dead,” Snake shouted.
Horatio’s sweaty fingers slipped on the strings. “This is insane!”
“Just a few more feet and I’ll grab an egg and make a portal,” Snake said.
The thick stench of blood caused more creatures to appear. “Fuck this. Make a portal now, Snake!” Sugar screamed.
“We have to get to a clear spot or they will follow us through!”
Panic-stricken, Horatio went for broke. His hands flew as he played the guitar solo from Monotony’s latest hit, “Under the Gun.” He figured it would be his swan song, until his frantic fingers hit the whammy bar and all hell broke loose.
“Holy shit!” Horatio exclaimed as each creature levitated off the ground and then dissolved into red goo that poured down like rain.
“They’re all gone,” Snake said, eyes wide in disbelief.
Closer, Horatio saw the eggs were the size of footballs and multifaceted like gems. Sugar picked one up and screamed at Snake to get them the hell out of there. “First, I’m nabbing a spare. Or two.” Snake stuffed an egg inside his shirt and clutched another to his chest. With his free hand he made a portal. The first thing Horatio saw as he stepped through was the glorious sight of Snake’s ship, Frances, resting majestically in a grassy field. He sank to his knees and kissed the ground.
“You were brilliant back there, Horatio,” Snake said.
“My heart is pounding, and I think I might have peed myself.” Horatio looked up at the other two and made a face. Sugar and Snake were covered in blood, gooey bits of flesh, and black dust. “Whoa, do I look as gross as you guys?”
Sugar set his egg down and started to unzip his jumpsuit. “Everybody strip.”
“That adventure made you horny, huh? That’s cool, though, I’m down, but maybe we should shower first?” Horatio said.
“No fucking way!” Sugar snarled. His expression terrified Horatio even more than the creatures back in Turquin, until he realized Sugar wasn’t talking to him. When Horatio turned around, six men armed with swords stood there. One he recognized as the waiter from the bar.
The tallest of the six pointed his blade at the egg nestled in the grass. “I’ll just be taking that then,” he said with a smile.