Horatio Slice: Confessions of a Space Pirate

Oleander Plume
9 mins read
Published about 2 years ago
Chapter 9

Horatio Slice: Invisible Pants

Once he’d blinked the sleep from his eyes, Horatio tilted his head back and smiled when he saw the fuzzy, pink handcuffs circling his wrists. 

“Whoa, didn’t know you were this kinky, Suki, but I’m game,” Horatio said. He tested the cuffs, but the chain looped around the slats of the wrought iron headboard was strong, making escape impossible. 

“Suki? You in here?”

Horatio lifted his head and cringed when he realized the sun peeking through the drapes was illuminating the room, not the bedside table lamp. Had he really slept through until morning? 

“Sorry I dozed off, but I sure as hell am awake now,” Horatio shouted towards the bathroom where he assumed Suki was. “You ready for me, babe? I’m ready for you.”


“Hey, Suki! Get back here and let me go. I need to pee!”

Minutes ticked by. Horatio’s bladder ached, and he broke out in a cold sweat. To make matters worse, he remembered Suki’s sexy striptease, the one he’d fallen asleep in the middle of, and his dick rose to half-mast.

“Great. When I piss myself, it’ll shoot straight up like a geyser, and I’ll be covered in urine,” Horatio muttered.

The visual calmed his dick right down, but not his anxiety. Struggling wildly, the headboard banged against the wall in time with Horatio’s racing heart. When all seemed lost, he heard a knock on the door, followed by Snake’s voice.

“You awake, Guitar Slayer? I need you to help me with another mission.” The doorknob jiggled. “It’s locked. You need to let me in.”

“Kinda tied up right now,” Horatio huffed.

“Okay, then.” Snake sounded confused. “I’ll come back later.”

“No, I mean, I’m literally tied up. Get in here and help me!” 

“I can use vampire magic to open her up, but it’ll scorch the woodwork and then Suki will have my head on a plate,” Snake said.

“Open the fucking door, Snake!”

Horatio heard the door pop open and Snake’s soft footfalls across the carpet before he came into view, surrounded by a hint of smoke. He stopped at the foot of the bed and laughed when he saw Horatio’s current condition.

“Blimey! I’m sure there’s an interesting story to go with all this.” 

“Gotta pee really bad,” Horatio said breathlessly. He jiggled the cuffs. “Can you get these off without setting me on fire?”

Snake scowled. “Of course. You’re not made of wood, now, are you?” He waved a hand over the restraints and they fell away. Horatio jumped out of bed and ran to the toilet, sighing contentedly as he relieved himself. 

“Thanks, vampire, I owe you one,” Horatio shouted over the toilet’s flush. When he walked back to the bedroom, still naked, he found Snake lounging on the bed and twirling the handcuffs around one finger.

“I’m keeping these,” Snake said. “To use on you later.”

“Fine by me, but first, I need to call my band. They’re probably wondering what the fuck happened since I’ve been gone for two days already.” 

With every unsuccessful attempt to call his band mates, Horatio grew more anxious. He paced the room, trying every contact listed, even his hairdresser. 

“You won’t be able to call anyone,” Snake said. “Meridian sealed off the earth gate, remember? Fairly certain I mentioned that.”

Feeling like he might cry, Horatio sat on the bed next to Snake, and ground the heels of his hands into his eyes. “What am I going to do? Should I turn myself in?”

“No,” Snake growled. “Meridian is a madman. We need to find out why he’s after you in the first place, then, we’ll figure out a plan to get you home.”

The way Snake caressed his shoulders calmed Horatio. “Maybe he’s a Monotony fan, and just wants my autograph,” he said hopefully.

“He sucked you through a portal and dropped you into a jail cell. I think it’s safe to say Meridian wants more than your signature.”

Horatio closed his eyes and leaned into Snake when he switched from rubbing his shoulders to stroking his hair. “But what if he shows up here?”

“I did a superlative job of convincing him that you’re not on my ship. He’s most likely traipsing all over Merona searching for you. Stupid sod.” Snake gave Horatio a peck on the cheek. “Like I told you already, until we get all this sorted, the boys and I will take exceedingly good care of you. But, in the meantime, who’s to say we can’t have a little fun?”

Horatio licked Snake’s earlobe. He smelled delicious, like coffee, vanilla, and sex. “Naked fun? I could go for that right now.”

“As could I, but first, let’s have some fun making tons of cash.” Snake pulled away from Horatio and got off the bed. “Get dressed and I’ll tell you about our next mission.”

Miffed that Snake had rebuked his advances once again, Horatio refused to put clothes on, and instead, laid back against the pillows, trying to appear seductive. Seemingly undaunted, Snake dug through the pile of clothes on Horatio’s dresser.

“How about these?” Snake held up a pair of black leather pants.

“Sure, but don’t I look better in these, invisible pants?” Horatio asked, stroking his cock.

“Trust me, lad, you don’t want to meet Princess Petal without clothing. She’ll eat you alive.” Snake put the entire stack of clothes on the bed next to Horatio and demanded he pick out something “sexy” to wear. 

“Who is this chick and why do I have to dress up for her?”

Snake explained that Princess Petal was the monarch of a large country called Petulia, and frequently used Snake’s pirating services to help her acquire rare or unusual items.

“This time around, she wants us to fetch some sort of magic crown,” Snake said. “The woman scares me, so I’m bringing you along as bait.”

“Why me?”

“Well, since you’re bi and all, I figured you might be, shall we say, helpful to have along.”

“Oh, you want me to fuck her,” Horatio said as he pulled a royal blue shirt over his head. “Is she hot?”

“Not exactly.”

“Is she nice?”

“She’s a bit daft.”

“How about smart?”

“Not at all.”

Horatio stood up and zipped his pants. “Does she have any redeeming qualities?”

“Really, Horatio, now you turn all picky about where you put your dick? I believe just yesterday I had to rescue you from a Flesh Eater you let suck you off in a toilet.”

“Touché.” After stepping into his boots, Horatio held his arms out. “Sexy enough?”

Instead of replying verbally, Snake picked up the handcuffs and smiled while tucking them into the inside pocket of his long, leather coat. “Let’s get you a spot of breakfast, and then we can be on our way.”

The kitchen was, thankfully, empty. Horatio found a pre-made ham sandwich in the fridge and ate it while Snake powered down a cup of coffee laced with a rather large jigger of whiskey. When finished, the pair headed to the cockpit where Seven, Sugar, and Stiles already sat. Today’s suits were navy blue with pinstripes, and each crew member’s pants were zipped, which disappointed Horatio, who was always ready for a glimpse of dick.

Snake rested his hands on the back of Sugar’s chair and kissed his neck. “There you are, darling. Did you change your mind about going to Petulia?”

“We’re not going to Petulia,” Sugar said. “We’re going to Graphica for supplies.”

“But I need the ship,” Snake protested.

“Sorry, vampire, you’ll have to walk,” Seven said. He leered at Horatio. “Want to come along with us to Graphica? You can sit on my lap during the trip.”

Horatio was about to take Seven up on his offer, but Snake grabbed his arm and said, “Oh no, you don’t, we had a deal. And you boys will just have to go on your supply run when we get back. This is my ship after all.”

Sugar, Seven, and Stiles all turned in their chairs to glare at Snake. Horatio was ready to bolt, but Snake stood his ground.

“The name is Captain Snake Vinter, in case you all forgot, emphasis on Captain.” Snake punctuated the last word by punching his left fist into his right palm.

The boys deepened their glare.

Mollified, Snake tried begging. “Come on now, lads, be reasonable!”

“Leaving for Graphica in five minutes,” a feminine robotic voice blared after Seven typed in coordinates on the ship’s computer.

“Give my regards to the Princess,” Sugar said with a wave.

Horatio followed as Snake stomped to the elevator, grumbled as he punched the button for the main floor, and whined about the unfairness of it all as they made their way outside. Once on solid ground, Snake made a portal. After stepping through the gateway, he saw a place he thought looked familiar.

“Is this the place where we, uh, you know, uh, fooled around the other night?”

Still scowling, Snake said, “Yes. This is Petulia.”

“Getting here took all of 20 seconds. Why did you put up such a fuss back there?”

“I’m a pirate. Pirates travel by ship. Walking ruins my credibility.”

“I woke up handcuffed to my own bed, so don’t whine to me about anything today,” Horatio said, squinting his eyes against the bright sun.

Bathed in daylight, Petulia was breathtaking, if not a little over the top. Blossoming trees in all the colors of the rainbow dotted lush, green hills. Birds sang, crickets chirped, and butterflies flitted about their heads. Horatio half expected to see a unicorn or a flock of fairies peeking out from behind the fragrant flowering bushes that lined the path Snake led them down. When Snake inquired why he had been handcuffed in the first place, Horatio told him the whole story, finishing with a groan.

“I almost got sucked to death, fought off an army of monsters, fucked two guys and then saved Suki’s life, but he’ll hold a grudge because I fell asleep while he tried to seduce me? Seems like a dick move it you ask me.”

“Suki’s psychotic,” Snake said with a shrug.

“So why do you keep him around?”

“He’s Sugar’s best friend. And a proper lay.”

Horatio stopped dead in his tracks. “You and Suki? When?”

Snake also stopped walking. “Let me think.” He rubbed his chin. “Last time I buggered Suki? Had to be a few days before you dropped into my life.”

“Does Sugar know?”

“No, and I’d like to keep it that way, thank you,” Snake snapped.

“Dude! How can you cheat on Sugar with a guy who looks exactly like Sugar?”

Snake looked ashamed. “It’s not cheating if…” He turned on his heel and resumed walking. “It’s not, cheating,” Snake said over his shoulder.

“Oh, yeah? What is it then?” Horatio trotted after Snake, who was now walking at top speed, as if hoping to leave him behind.

“First, Sugar and I aren’t married. Second, they might all look alike to you, but …” Snake rubbed the back of his head. “Sorry. They’re identical to me as well.” He stopped in the middle of the path and held his arms out. “Try to understand something, Horatio, once those horny Humerians found out I have the umberto, they won’t let me be!”

“The ‘umberto’? You mean your freaky eye power thing?”

“No. My dick.” Snake grabbed his crotch. “The boys all crave my dick.”

Horatio shouted, “You’re fucking the entire crew?” 

“Shh, keep your voice down!” Snake shot back, shaking a finger at Horatio. “And yes, but, they’re insatiable little devils, the lot of them. I’ve tried fighting them off, hell, I’ve tried buying them off, but once they found out I have it, they won’t give me a minute’s peace!”

Horatio leaned against a giant oak and shoved his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket. “Because of the ‘umberto’? Please, enlighten me.”

Snake told Horatio a story that made his eyes bug out of his head. Humerian males all possessed a secret pleasure spot. Hidden higher in their back passage, only a lengthy cock could reach it. 

A cock like Snake’s. 

“They claim my dick gives them a much stronger orgasm.”

“How much stronger?” Horatio demanded, feeling not only envious of Sugar and the crew, but intensely curious about how Snake’s cock would feel inside his ass.

“Sugar said it’s like a regular orgasm times a thousand. You should see them afterward, they purr like kittens.” Snake flipped his hair. “Good for the ego, I must say.”

“Times a thousand.” Horatio shivered. An image formed in his brain, one of Snake sliding his long cock into Sugar’s sweet ass while the petite blonde clawed at Snake’s back and moaned in pleasure. “Wow.”

“Wow, indeed.”

“You got any pics of you fucking Sugar on your phone? Or video?” Horatio asked.

“I might.”

Snake took his phone out of his pocket and scrolled through the gallery. Horatio watched over his shoulder as hundreds of photos whizzed by under Snake’s thumb. “Wait, go back, who was that hot as fuck blonde dude with the beard?”

Snake scrolled back. “This one?”

The man in the photo had broad shoulders, a silky looking beard, narrow green eyes under thick brows, and short blonde hair swept to the side. 

“Yeah. Holy hell! Who is that hunk?”

“That’s Sugar’s mother, Lydia.” When Horatio said, “No fucking way,” Snake tapped the screen. “See the boobs?” He swiped left, and someone identical to Sugar appeared. “This is Sugar’s father, Lyle.”

“Did you show him the umberto, too?” Horatio asked with a snicker.

“Of course not!” Snake stuffed his phone back in his pocket. 

“Damn, Humerians are too gorgeous for words. Do all the chicks look like dudes?”

Snake nodded. “They are taller and bulkier, but curvy all over. Gotta say, I’m stricky dicky, but when I met Sugar’s mother, I almost, almost, took a ride on the other side. Imagine that beard tickling the space between your ass cheeks. Yum.”

“Double yum.” Sweating, Horatio took off his jacket. “By the way, it’s ‘strictly dickly’, not ‘stricky dicky’.”

“Whatever. Let’s get on with the business at hand.” They walked until the path forked in two directions. Snake looked from left to right, then from right to left. “I can’t remember which way to turn.”

“Just portal closer to the castle,” Horatio said.

“I can’t. Petulia Castle is protected by enchantments. We have about a two-mile walk ahead of us. Which is the real reason I wanted to use the ship.”

Horatio headed left. “So what? It’s beautiful here. Besides, a little fresh air will be good for us.” He spotted a large strawberry patch. “And look, there are even snacks.” Spotting an extra luscious looking berry, Horatio picked it and held it in front of Snake’s face. “Don’t you love how strawberries are the same shape as cock heads? Want to watch me lick it?”

Snake put a hand up. “I wouldn’t do that, if I were you.”

Ignoring Snake’s warning, Horatio swiped the strawberry with the tip of his tongue. The fruit split open, and a fat, hairy black spider tried to crawl into his mouth. Horatio screamed in fright and spit the creature on the ground before squashing it under a boot heel.

“What the fuck? Does everything turn into a monster out here?” Horatio spit three more times, while Snake held his side and laughed. 

“Can’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Horatio put his jacket back on. “I should have brought my guitar. What else is out here?”

“Poisonous killer bees, but the hives are that way,” Snake said, pointing east. “Petulia is known throughout the galaxy for their delicious honey. They make about ten billion dollars a year selling the stuff.” He got a faraway look in his eyes. “Sugar fancies it. Sometimes, he lets me put it on his…” Snake adjusted his junk.

“Put it on his what? Gimme details, dude!”

Snake shook his head, and they resumed walking down endless paths that twisted and turned through the countryside. Dizzy from the fragrant flowers, Horatio made Snake stop when he found a small stream.

“Can I drink out of this, or are is it shark infested?”

“It’s safe, go ahead.”

Horatio drank from his cupped hands. The water tasted crisp and clean. When he stood up again, he found Snake intensely staring at him. “What?”

“Nothing. You’re a handsome bloke is all. Come on, the castle is beyond these trees right here.” 

Pressing forward, Horatio noticed a strange sound. “Snake? Why do I hear bees?”

Snake put an arm out and stopped Horatio. “Because,” he whispered, “I took a wrong turn. We’re not at the castle. We’re at the hives.”